Two Birds

It's hard to tell them what I feel for you.
They haven't ever met you, and no one has your picture.
So how can they ever understand your mystery?
Let's give them a clue:

Two birds sit in a tree.
One eats cherries, while the other looks on.
Two birds fly through the air.
One's song drops like crystal from the sky while the other keeps silent.
Two birds wheel in the sun.
One catches the light on its silver feathers,
while the other spreads wings of invisibility.

It's easy to guess which bird I am,
but they'll never find you. Unless...
Unless they already know a love that never interferes,
that watches from beyond that breathes free in the invisible air.
Sweet bird, my soul, your silence is so precious.
How long will it be before the world hears your song in mine?
Oh, that is a day I hunger for!"

Michael Jackson

Last weekend I took my husband to a resort up north for the weekend for his birthday. We drove 3 hours to get there. When we checked in we were told our room number. 33301. Yep theres those 3"s again. Freaked me right out. My husband STILL thinks its all a coincidence.

Here is part of our bill with the room number on it. Unbelievable!! I know its a bit blurry but you can still see the room number at the top.

Coincidence, Luck...or something more?

On friday I was at work feeling every down about the situation with my youngest daughter. I was feeling very depressed and alone as I did not want to share with others what was going on in my life. In one hour I wrapped 3 packages of meat with the price $3.33...this has never happened to me that I noticed before. I am not one to pay alot of attention to the prices of the packages so thats another thing that makes it kinda weird. It made me feel like God was telling me he was there. This 333 thing cannot be coincidence. If it is I have alot of luck lately...something I have never had before.

Perhaps too much thinking on my part.

So this past week was a very emotional one for me. My youngest daughter has been giving me a very hard time, and threatening to move out if she doesn't get her own way. As some of you know, my oldest daughter did the same thing except she wasn't bluffing and did move out at the age of 15. I almost went crazy with worry and it has taken the last 3 years for us to establish our relationship again...we are now closer than ever. You would think I would be utterly devastated that my youngest daughter would even think to put me through the same garbage her sister did, especially since she watched how it effected me. But I am not...and I feel guilty about that.

I love my youngest daughter the same amount as I love my oldest. Its not that. Its that I can now see the Greed.... this wanting something for nothing syndrome that has taken over our children, and I don't like it. Kids think everything should be given to them. That they are above working hard for anything...and certainly not giving back to society!!!

I am not proud of the fact that this has happened to my children. I always thought I had done a good job at instilling certain values in them. It has made me come to the realization that it is not their failure...but my own.

So as I stated before, this past week has been an emotional one as I have had to come to grips with my own parental skills... or lack of them. It is true that I had alot of things against me when I became a parent....18yrs old, their father was a deadbeat, in an abusive relationship, etc. I also realise how far I have come...BUT...it wasn't easy. I had to work hard, do things that most people would not do or could not do. I worked from 9am to 9pm. Before and after work I usually had to walk 3 miles to get to work or home. Then I had to bath the kids, put them to bed, make their lunches, clean the house, do laundry, lay out their stuff for the morning and then go to bed about 1 am. then I would wake up at 6am get the kids fed, dressed, off to school or babysitters, shower, and then walk to work and start the cycle over again. I did this 6 days a week until I moved in with my husband. I went without eating to make sure my kids had food alot of the time. I could have went on welfare but chose not to as I did not want my kids growing up thinking that was normal. I wanted them to see that working for something was what got you ahead, not relying on others for your survival. That you were in charge of your own destiny.

I know people have had it much worse than I ever have, and I am not writing this for sympathy. My point is that if my children were put in this situation, I have doubts that they would work hard to get ahead. They would take the easy way out. This really upsets me. Of course I do not expect them to have to go through the stuff I did, I am just saying that kids today have lost their fight. How do you think this lack of fighting for survival will effect future generations? What if there was a solar flare and it knocked out our power and all technology was lost. Would our chidren or our childrens children have the tools to adapt to their new environment? Right now I would have to say no. Its truly a scary thought.

Signs

Today when i got to work I went and asked the grocery manager for the garbage key. When I went to unlock it I noticed that there was a sign on the door saying that no one was to put anymore garbage down the shute until the garbage truck came and emptied the bin. I took the grocery manager his keys and told him about the sign. He was standing with this new grocery clerk who is very negative and quite frankly weird in alot of ways. The grocery manager appologized and said he forgot about the truck not being here yet. I said no problem just let me know when it has been emptied so i can throw out my garbage. The new grocery guy piped up in an ignorant voice and went on a tirade about how they weren't going to tell me about the truck and that they were going to pile garbage in the meat room. The guy is nuts and I am not sure why he went all looney about this and made a huge deal about it. I turned around and gave him the "you're NUTS look" cuz frankly I wasn't even talking to him.
He then says, OHHHH you gave me the evil look....OHHHH it hurts my skin!!! HAHA I turned around and said "GOOD!"

Anyway the point of telling you this is that I felt guilty after. Normally I never say stuff back to people...but he has been getting on my nerves for a while and I figured I should let him know I am not going to put up with his crap.

I really want to be a good person and want to be a good christian but its really hard sometimes when you have crazy people giving you flack about stuff that isn't even their business. So I asked God if I was on the right path and if I was on the right path to give me a sign. Ten minutes later I was cutting meat on my block. There was a box of wipes sitting on the block that kept getting in my way. I'd move it out of the way and it would eventually get in my way again...so I'd move it again. This happened 4 times before I literally picked up the box and looked at it. There in the bottom corner were the numbers 3336!!! I know most of you think all this 333 stuff is just a coincidence but I know in my heart its not. It was my sign. God does answer you...you just have to pay attention!

Life is Good!

So I went to church again today. I had a great time. There was alot more people there today...a few younger people as well. As soon as I walked into the church the same man who greeted me the first time I went, grabbed my hand and said, " I am so glad you came back!". This made me feel so good that he remembered me but also that I was truly welcome. I prayed today for the 2 Mikes that I worked/work with. Both are in their mid 20's and both have a bad drug problem. I asked God to forgive them and help them help themselves. They both are very smart people who could do so much with their lives.

I took my angel gift for the homeless man and left it at the church. I am hoping it goes to someone who really needs it. One of the Mikes is homeless. How ironic would it be if he received my gift?

After church during the coffee hour I sat with a man named Don and his wife Joan. Don has had 4 heart attacks but still volunteers every morning serving breakfast at the soup kitchen. He is probably in his mid 80's. How amazing is that?

After church I walked home in the snow and thought about how great life really was. In the past I only noticed the negative stuff that happened around me. I am now starting to notice that there is also alot of good in the world too...you just have to know where to look. It seems my whole outlook on life has changed. Like something inside me has shifted. I really don't know how else to explain it and I also am not sure what caused it. All I know is that I am trying to be a more positive person. I want to be a more loving and caring person. It really is all about L.O.V.E!! MJ was right! :)

In the afternoon Andrew and I went grocery shopping. You will never guess what my total was at the checkout. Yep $333.10 This is how I know that God was listening to my prayers. AMAZING!

At the store where I work, they are closing the bakery and are going to bring in frozen product that has to be baked instead of baking everything from scratch. Due to this, they will be getting rid of 2 fulltime people. The one lady who is getting laid off used to work as a wrapper in Meat..where i work. She tried to bump me but can't as I have a trade and have been classified in my field. There has been alot of tension in my store due to this. Alot of people do not like the bakery lady. At first I thought she was resentful of me because she could not have my job. She ended up bumping a person in grocery. she only has a year and a half left until she can retire.

The other day I went into the lunchroom. "Cara" was sitting in the room alone. I went in to have my lunch and smiled and asked her how she was doing. She replied that she was really down. She said she was upset about everything that was happening in the store and felt like she had the weight of the world on her shoulders. I told her that it would pass. It was not her fault...it was no ones...it was just a really crappy situation.

She went on to say how depressed she was..how she has no children left at home, how she sits upstairs and watches T.V and her husband sits in the basement. They have no common interests and she feels alone. she feels like something is missing.

She then turned to me and said, "As crazy as this sounds, I think I might go to church". I smiled and said, "Cara, thats so funny because I just went to church on sunday for the first time in 16 years...and it was wonderful."
We talked for a long time about it and she said she was going to go this sunday.

Its amazing when we feel unfullfilled or alone we turn to God. I really hope she finds peace with herself.

Following my Path

Because of this spirtual journey that I have been on, I have been looking into churches to attend. I have never been overly religious...more spiritual than anything. I used to attend church with my grandmother as a young child and also as a teen. I enjoyed it alot but as I got older and after my grandmother died, I never pursued attending. I got busy with life and really never gave church or religion much thought.

With all that has been going on with me, I have been asking alot of questions as to how we got here, what is our purpose here on earth, etc. I attended the Anglican church down the street from my house today...and I have to tell you...I loved it!!!! I have never felt so welcome somewhere in my life! Everyone seemed so glad that I was there. Everyone was much older than i am and there was only one child in attendace but it was so much like the church I attended as a kid. I became very emotional. I volunteered for their "Be an Angel" program where you buy a present for a homeless person. I went out after church and bought socks, toiletries including shampoo, razers, shaving cream, toothpaste, mitts, hat, multiple candies and snacks, and I am also going to buy a Tim Hortons gift card to include in the gift as well. I think I must have inspired my husband because he now wants to buy 3 gifts for unfortunate kids and donate them to the police station drive here in the town where we live.

I cannot wait until next sunday! They have communion every sunday which is really neat. One of the priests there does missionary work, he introduced himself to me and started talking about how he just got back from Turkey and was going to be leaving for Africa soon. I was so taken aback by that because going to africa to volunteer and help people with Aids has been one of my life long dreams. I told him this and he said that the church was very involved with uganda and it had many connections for missionary work there.

I am just so excited right now. I feel my life changing for the better...I want to make a difference. I am hoping that is where my path is taking me.

Awakening

I have been experiencing some very unusual things as of late. I thought I would start a blog recording all that is happening to me.

It all started back several months ago...or so I thought. I was having a very hard time sleeping. I kept waking up in the night and eventually had to go to a sleep clinic so my sleep patterns could be studied. They came to the conclusion that I had insomnia and I was prescribed sleeping pills and was refered to a sleep therapist. I went to the sleep therapist for 4 or 5 sessions and then realised that it basically not for me.

I took the sleeping pills regularly but continued to awake in the night. I started to notice that I was awakening at 3:33am. At first I thought it was a coincidence. After 6 to 7 times of waking up at this exact time I realised that something was going on with me. I got a bit scared. I told my husband about it and he shrugged it off and said it was just a cioncidence. The next night I awoke in the night and was afraid to look at the alarm clock. I peeked at it and almost jumped out of my skin. 3:33 am again! I shook my husband out of a dead sleep and pointed at the clock....`See...I am not making this up! Something is happening to me!` I was so frightened. I felt like I was going insane. I made my husband walk me to the bathroom because I was so freaked out.

The next morning a began searching on the internet for the meaning of 3:33am and discovered that I am not the only person who awakens at this time. There are many theories as to why this is happening to people....too many to explain here...look it up if you are interested.

I found a website that had a bunch of beautiful verses on it...I was very drawn to them. I phoned my mom and made her go to the same website to see if she could relate the text to me in some way. She said that the text was from the Urantia Book. I had never heard of it before. She explained that she had been reading it for a few years and that it was to accompany the bible and explain how we got here and help us find our purpose.

I went to the Urantia Foundations website and signed up for a `thought to ponder` an exerpt from the Urantia Book that gets sent to your email every day. Guess what time that email gets sent to me each morning...Yep...3:33am

I took this as a sign that I had to get a copy of the Urantia Book and read it. God was trying to talk to me. I ordered a copy online and have been reading it faithfully every night.

I also took out some books from the library. One such book is called The Secret things of God. When I began reading it, a verse jumped off the page at me...Seek and you will find...I kept saying it over in my head against my own will. I ended up going onto the computer to distract myself and stumbled across another website and began reading it. Halfway down the page in big bold letters was the verse...Seek and you will find....I began to cry. God really was talking to me. I was sure of it now.

The more I read the more things in the world began to make sense to me. Nothing is coincidence. We all have a purpose and a path. We have just forgot what it is.

I was walking in the rain one day to a tanning appointment. I work with the public and was basically chatting to myself or God...in my head. I was thinking how hard it would be to live according to the bible all the time. How hard it is to be nice and friendly to some people. Some people are just evil and you cannot make them happy no matter how hard you try. I got to the tanning place and pulled out my ipod to listen to while i tanned. The first song on my playlist was a song called Smile...it wasn`t supposed to even be on my playlist and I am not sure how it got there. I thought that was very strange but didn`t really give it that much thought. When I left and began to walk home I again thought about how hard it was to be nice to all people and if i was going to give myself to God totally and follow the Bible how was I going to acheive this.

I began to walk up a hill as I was thinking this and noticed a large boulder was sitting at the top of the hill. Someone had painted the word Smile on it. All of a sudden i got it! God was telling me that I didn`t have to do anything other than smile at them!

I am not sure if any of this makes sense to anyone else but I really does to me. God is talking to me and I am listening.